Jiminy Cockroach

We’re all familiar with Pinocchio’s pocket-sized voice of wisdom who reminded us to always let our conscience be our guide…Lucky Pinocchio. Me, I had a giant cockroach.

I met my cockroach companion in a dream no less. Sneaky little buggers! How do they possibly manage to turn up everywhere?!

Recently my dreams have become really intense. I tend go through these dream cycles quite frequently where they involve very deep and intense education. I get to participate. Explore my psyche. I am immersed in schools of learning and information is imparted on me through guides and masters. These are fun but I prefer the dream cycles  where I get to play, practice flying and explore whatever I want, consciously and actively and still others are just seemingly random!

Well a few nights ago, I had a dream that just won’t leave my body or mind. I should probably mention that my dream world tends to be incredibly real… to the point where when I wake, I need an extra moment to figure out which “reality” I’m in, so it made sense that this one, being an area in my life that I really need to work through wanted to linger around. Well thanks in part to my new, buggy little guide, this latest dream in particular still has me trying to recover from the blow of revelation birthed in an experience of pure heartache and letting go.

It started off with me folded in the arms of my soon to be ex-husband. Man I loved him! I loved that place pressed against his body. It was sacred to me. Like a precious gift I longed for. I got to feel this space once again and remember how happy I was when I had my head against his chest. Its quiet and warm. Peaceful. I could breath and worries escaped me, naturally melting away in my perceived sense of safety.

But the dream mirrored the construct in our real life relationship. This place always only lived in small moments that faded away too soon for my heart to handle or even understand. I knew it wasn't going to last. Like in real life, I knew what would come next and it made me sick.

Yep, there it was. That all too familiar sinking feeling that precedes the end of my happy moment. In anticipation, I would hold on tighter, trying to will the moment to stay. To burn it into my memory and recall the fullness to carry me through the famine. To never let it go. Then the nausea sits in and replaces the place of joy right in the pit of my stomach.

Floating away from him, he goes on with his life as I’m put back into the corner. His phone appeared in my hand. I didn’t want it. I hate that phone. I won't torture myself. Ignorance is bliss. I put it down a thousand times only for it to return to my hand. The phone turns on on it’s own. No. Stop! Don’t look, Krissy. You already know what you don’t want to see. The screen on the phone moves as if by an invisible hand. It has a mind of it's own, determined to reveal a truth I actively avoid. Stop! I don’t want to see! He loves me. I know he loves me. I want to believe so badly that he loves me. That he never wants to hurt me.

The screen stops. A message sent to another woman appears. “You looked so gorgeous tonight.” My heart dropped so far thru the ground that I lose the connection with it. It’s gone.

It’s an interesting experience walking through a dream without your heart. It’s as if  you are standing still and the world slowly moves around you.  No happiness, no sorrow, only the heaviness of emptiness.

It didn’t matter who she was. They’re always the same. Falling for the same stories I did. Naïve to the man he presents himself as and happy to receive his attention. I wasn’t mad at them. After all, not one of them could ever fill my shoes. Not one of them would ever be a better puppy of a wife, so eager to please and one who draws life from making the person she loves happy. I was the best fucking puppy of a wife.

The dream moved forward and all I could do was observe. I was a ghost in a room full of people. We were at his best friend’s house, the one who warned me that I will always invest more in my love than I will ever get out of it. I was lost and uncomfortable. Things were happening around me and all I did was silently exist.

Manifesting from the ether, a huge cockroach, bigger than my hand, flew across the room to land on my love’s shoulder. So weird! What the hell?! It didn’t move or say a word. (Not that I expected it to belt out a new rendition of When You Wish Upon A Star...) Regardless, my love didn’t even notice that he had been adopted by the ginormous leader of the only apocalyptic survivors. 

That was it. Pure and simple. The dream ends and like awakening from a meditation, I'm brought back into my room. Taken back by the odd and random(!) grand entrance of this gigantic insect, I looked up the symbolism of the cockroach a dream dictionary. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a common practice for me to do so but this event was so seemingly out of place, it was almost trance-like how my fingers found the page. What I came across was that to see a cockroach in your dream symbolizes uncleanness. It also signifies longevity, tenacity and renewal where you need to re-evaluate major aspects of your life. Whoa.

Somehow, when the dream concluded I already knew this. I knew it was time to confront letting go of illusions I created around love and those that I projected on the one I loved. A letting go of things that never were. It really is time to release myself from a fantasy and Jiminy Cockroach was whispering right into my heart. It was time to realize that for years I was building a story around the love I wanted but that didn’t exist no matter how hard I tried to bring it to life. It was time to stop torturing myself by looking for reasons to believe in that story. In order to move forward in integrity and be released from this illusion, I will have to accept things for how they actually were and how they are now, not how I desperately wanted them to be.  Thank you wise little, friend. I needed that!

About Kristen:

Kristen is a San Diego native with an intuitive approach to Lifestyle Design. Combined with her start up business experience, she has studied organizational psychology and has been trained as a healer for over 6 years. Kristen brings a unique, gentle and guided approach and has immense passion for helping young women and business owners reach their fullest potential, empowering them to design and live a life they absolutely LOVE. 

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